not lost, just wandering

The day I find myself watching Cosmos at 4 am with my lover will be the greatest day of all time

I’m going to puke.

I have too much love in my heart and it hurts me, like it physically pains me, because it wants so badly to be free. It wants so badly to pour itself into someone else. It was so badly to tear through the thickened skin that has formed over these years. I don’t want my heart to be hardened after each heart break. I don’t want to stop loving, I want to love more.
But honestly I think my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to give that love to one person. I’ll never find someone who will accept it. I’ll never be able to give myself wholly to anyone.

No but like yeah it’s like just when I start to think a little but positively about myself and think that hey you know you’re not that bad looking and you’re generally a nice person deep down and you can be smart sometimes and hey maybe what you have to say is actually relevant and important, stupid shit like this happens and just completely wipes all of that away and makes me feel completely worthless again. It’s the worst thing. I don’t know why it happens, I don’t know if it’s God doing this or if it’s Satan doing this, I don’t know who to talk to about this I don’t know what to do or what to say that’ll make it better like why even bother letting these people in when they’re just gonna dip set like is it because that’s what I do is it to teach me some kind of lesson or does life even work like that?
I always just find myself thinking *what, just what exactly did I do* what did I do in the past to make this particular event occur right now?

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